An Unmoveable Feast
Updated: Feb 3
I spent my life chasing the greater self
and found it
in the mirror, in others
if anyone ever ask the price
it was everything and nothing
I bless all that was ever mine
and let it go in love
for now I have all that was ever mine
Last night I had a dream where I found myself sitting in the cab of an old truck in a garage. There was a room temperature unopened beer on the passenger seat. I picked it up and noticed the brand. I sat it back where I found it, laying on a pile of deep navy blue clothing saturated with water. I looked around the floor boards. There was water gathered in the large depressions bent into the floor boards. I open the driver side door and step out onto the smooth concrete. Water. I bend down to the floor to inspect underneath the vehicle. Streams of water flow from the wall the truck is facing, draining to the back of the garage. I have no idea where I am, and none of these things feel like they belong to me.
I spent a lot of time early this morning on ideation and editing. After I write, I believe I'll go shoot some video while I allow my thoughts to percolate. It's a beautiful day today, and I've got to get out to the sun.
Yesterday and today have both been full of highs and lows. When there isn't much happening on the outside, it's a great time to observe how the inside is functioning. It isn't often I experience negative thoughts anymore, but the last month has enabled a lot of my subconscious to surface. It's been a lot of purging and purification. I would be going about my day, usually joyfully, and I would suddenly be overwhelmed with grief about something I hadn't fully processed. That's all it has been, really. I know it's a good thing because I feel so much lighter afterwards. I've started looking forward to the process.
I have been actively working on this for five years now. I think up until this past year, I was only working on what was consciously available to me. I believe I spent much of 2023 working through the unconscious which has brought me into the deep unconscious. Sometimes I can't even connect a memory to the feelings that come up. It's unusual, but I figure if I would've needed the memory to work through it, I would've had it. I know my job is to lean into what I'm feeling- to feel it in its entirety, and let it go.
It's intense but knowing what's on the other side of the feelings makes it worthwhile. It allows me to observe from a much higher vantage point. I can approach the feelings, curiously. It's a very interesting process, and I don't take it personally. I have a new appreciation of the intensity and complexity of these subconscious feelings. Sometimes the pain feels like it has gone on for lifetimes. Then, I transmute it like magic. The key to moving through the intense feelings is in the higher perspective of the process. I can simultaneously play the role of the observer which allows me the space to hold for the part of me that is leaning into the feeling. It's followed by a radiant and resonating peace. All energy must be transmuted or it lives within out bodies, eventually causing a ruckus.
I see the trapped energy as curly graphite squiggles. It's usually trauma that gets trapped in there to varying degrees because the experience wasn't fully processed or we weren't willing to let go of it on some level. Energy must flow through us like a stream or river, and we mustn't try to hold it. It's better to only watch it flow through and allow ourselves to experience its flow without impeding it in any way. People think they control their emotions by suppressing them, but that is never the case. The first mistake is seeking to control. What is actually being sought is reframing.
Once we learn to observe and allow, it retrains the reactivity. People judge their emotions based on their reactivity to them, and that's what they're often trying to repress. At times it can feel overwhelming, and that's a good time to remind ourselves that it is just energy. By the time we can grasp that reminder, it will be gone or much more manageable.
Energy moves quickly.
Currently inspired by
I'm still reading The Art of Focus by Dan Koe
I've also started The Promise of Kuan Yin
"SOS" by Portishead and Beth Gibbons announcing new solo project
Edit: I'm taking a break because I lost a huge entry that didn't properly publish, and it's annoying lol
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