Casting My Spell
"To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life."
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)
Last night I had a dream that I was in a house with my sisters and other family members. There was someone or something outside that I felt the need to protect us from. I went around locking all the doors and making sure all the windows were secured. Everyone else was calm. At one point, I locked a closet door. I opened the door and saw it was just a closet. I laughed and shook my head. Nothing ever came, there was nothing out there trying to get in. I waited, and there was only silence. In the middle of the night, I walked the halls in the dark and a pile of blankets on the bed caught my attention. I went over to give them a look and realized it was my sister asleep in one of the rooms of the house. I was relieved. We were all safe.
I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days.
I've determined that I need to develop better daily habits. I've been trying to develop better habits, in general, but I've realized it's important for me to do things on a daily basis. That's how my most solid habits have been built. There's really no reason that I shouldn't be writing at least 500 words a day. I don't care so much to put a number on it, but I think I want to make writing a daily habit rather than how I've been approaching it.
What am I afraid of?
I didn't want to write too much. The idea of writing too much is bizarre. It doesn't exist. If anything, we all write too little. Maybe I fear that I won't have anything to say. I doubt that's true because I have conversations with myself in my mind all day long. Maybe I'm being a bit lazy. Yeah, I think that may be true. It's another perfectionism hurdle.
The truth is, I started this project for myself- a tool to help me connect my thoughts and ideas. I think the main point is to get them all out, even if I don't have some incredible revelation in mind that I'm trying to point to. I imagine there are little hidden gems tucked within my conscious that I'm trying to find, and the only way to realize them is to sort through the whole lot of rubble.
This past year has been a year of tremendous inner growth for me. I've been going through this kundalini awakening thing for about five years now, and during 2023, my attention was greatly desired. I've had to make a lot of changes in my life to accommodate this new one. It really is like I'm standing afoot an entirely different life, and I have no idea what it's going to look like just yet. I am on the brink of great adventure. Granted, everything feels like an adventure to me.
I have this vague idea of life I am moving toward, but I cannot see it clearly. It is just out of focus, but I can see enough to keep heading towards it. I get stepping stones. This period of my life is like I'm walking over a lake, I don't know what's in it, and every time I take a step onto one of the stones, another appears somewhere else in the lake. I never know where exactly it will appear from, but it does. I must keep trusting within the unknown because it feels like it's the only path from here.
I think this has been showcased in a number of my dreams, and all the dreams share one main plot. None of my fears are real.
So, in the meantime of sulking in the dark abyss of the gentle unknown, I think I'll work on my daily habits. Ideally, I'll report back tomorrow.
Currently inspired by
This anamorphic lens (too expensive for my current needs)
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