In Shadows (I)

I'm going to use this entry to talk about "shadow work." I'm not really sure how buzz worthy this term has become in popular culture, but it refers to the internal work required for healing. I often call this inner alchemy.

There's a lot to this, so I'll likely write about this in parts. To some degree, I've been doing this work my entire life, unconsciously. However, in the past few years I have become more and more conscious of this work and what it has meant to me. It has also given me time to reflect on all the healing it has given me.

I'm sure everyone has their own definitions of what it means to do this work, how it's done, etc. but there's really no correct way to heal. I think it's best to find what works for you, and all that comes down to is doing it at a pace that is manageable for you along with being conscious of what feels most suited to your own needs. For me, a lot of it came about while becoming more aware of my emotions and watching them (without judgement) pass through me. Once I was open to fully embracing those emotions no matter came through, then I could use them as pure energy which is the art of transmutation.

I had a dream years ago, and there was a woman who explained the process of transmutation to me in a dream. All it really means is to feel your feelings. Thoughts and emotions are energetic forms that operate at various frequencies, and the more observant you can become, the easier it will be to transmute this energy and eventually use it to your advantage. Emotions and thoughts are both powerful tools of creation.

Sometimes it can be quite a catch-22 to have something you perceive as negative come up and refrain from self-judgement; this requires balance and that balance takes time. From my experience, it has been a process that has taken much time even though I am open to healing and better understanding myself- so, for someone who tends to suppress their emotions, it could require a great deal more time. There is nothing meant to be discouraging about that, but it is imperative to first start the process with recognising and honoring your emotions even if you don't understand them at first. The understanding will follow but what you really need to begin is just pure acknowledgment of the emotion in order to honour it. No emotions are wrong, and if you feel guilty for feeling any of your emotions, please understand that is just another avenue of trauma and something that can and will be released.

Everything about this process is governed by the act of non-judgement. It is futile to feel these emotions or have an unwanted thought and make any negative judgements about it or, at worst, suppress them. When you become afraid of your own thoughts and emotions, you are leaning more into separation of being. Any part of yourself you try and ignore, punish, or suppress, you will see that these parts often turn into echoes and grow exponentially. The skeletons in your closet only want to be acknowledged and once acknowledged, you will see them transform. Throughout the process, from a higher view, you start to see the transformation all throughout yourself. I can tell you, there's not much more beautiful than that, because this is what creates the space for inner peace- the quietness. When I first started all this, I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea of how much noise I was dealing with within myself until I started to create space for that peace. That noise was my normal. The first time I felt this inner peace, I was absolutely blown away, and it was hands down the greatest feeling I had ever felt up until that point. I often picture my own experience as an old television set that's tuned to a channel that can't be received, and all you can hear and see is static and electric fuzz. Then, one day it was like someone turned the television off. It was pure magic, and I was kind of obsessed.

I have gathered many techniques that I've used through these years. Giving

oneself the gift of non-judgement is probably one of the more important techniques, but it has taken much time to get to that point and I'm still working at it. One of the first things was becoming conscious of my internal dialogue, and I have been a person who has been extremely self-critical throughout my life (especially my younger years.) I'm sure that came out of me trying to protect myself somehow, because if I could be the most critical person of myself, then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much coming from a loved one. Looking back, I don't think that ever really dulled any pain or made anything hurt less. What it did do was make me a miserable person that fell into a lot of perfectionistic habits, and I no longer attribute anything about perfectionism to be of benefit. In a lot of ways, I can now see that it held me back a great deal. For a time, it would even keep me from doing certain things altogether which created a lot of depression and anxiety. Wanting to do a good job is healthy, of course, but when that want becomes a need it can quickly evolve into a house of cards. My house of cards has fallen many times until I saw it for what it was, and once I came to that awareness, I was able to start creating an unshakable foundation from the inside out. That awareness came in such a simple and remarkable way. I had a negative thought one day, and instead of just accepting it, I asked "why?" I asked myself, "is this actually true?" From that point on, I discovered that most of it lacked any foundation at all. It was as if I had unconsciously picked up this strange narrative. When I tried to find the source of it all, it was like seeing a pile of clothes on a chair in the dark and then flipping on the light. Most of it never even belonged to me.

Throughout this process, I have turned my inner self from foe to friend- actually, my best and most supportive friend. This is the journey that has been the most meaningful and adventurous of them all.